ANITA TENSION
Special to the Lampoon
University officials released a statement Thursday saying that an investigation conducted by the university had concluded that the ultimate frisbee team was just not ultimate enough.
“At best,” said a somber representative, “we can call the team ‘super,’ or maybe ‘really great.’ But to continue billing them as ‘ultimate’ would be misleading and borderline fraudulent.”
The report concludes by recommending that the the team be stripped of its “ultimate” status until such time when it is once again sufficiently ultimate.
“Until the team can once again demonstrate that it is totally, unequivocally ultimate and not just some folks throwing around a frisbee, we’re afraid we simply can’t condone the misuse of the honorable title of ‘ultimate,’ said a university representative when reached for comment.
“Look,” he continued. “Maybe if they came up with some cool jargon, they’d seem more ultimate. Is there a special term for when they throw the frisbee? Do they say ‘tossin’ the ‘bee?’ Because I feel like they could start. That’d be cool.”
Other suggestions for ways the team could be more ultimate include, but are not limited to: fingerless gloves, war paint, more sweatbands, team chants and midair catches punctuated by shouting, “Boo yah.”
*The author recognizes that Fredonia’s ultimate frisbee team is actually very ultimate and highranked and all that.