ANNE ARKEY
Special to the Lampoon
Saying they could no longer stand idly by while corrupt and domineering powers denied them their right to do whatever they want with absolute impunity, an impassioned band of FRED Festers announced Friday that they would take every opportunity set before them to make overtly disdainful faces at cops between now and FRED Fest.
The students’ plan, according to the C.O.E.A. (Coalition of Entitled Assholes), is to lock eyes with every police officer each student crosses paths with and to level the most searingly, pantsshittingly aggressive glare at said officer for the duration of the line of sight. This process will repeat — at crosswalks while squad cars wait for red lights, outside bars when officers pass by on their way to check that the doors to businesses are locked — until the students are once again afforded their rightful place atop the friggin’ world.
Civil disobedience is nothing new to the people of Fredonia. Time and time again, they have proven that they will not be silenced by the oppressive regimes of power which have already conspired to deprive them of their rights to smoke on campus, urinate in public and throw propane canisters through the windows of LoGrasso.
“We won’t stand for this,” said one student. “It is our right, as citizens in a free republic, to be out of control nutcases for one week out of the year. And if we can’t have that, well, we’re just going to be dicks to anyone with even a modicum of authority. Because of freedom.”
The spokesperson — who, despite the overwhelmingly, unquestionably screwed state of the institution of law enforcement in this country, has never once had his rights even remotely infringed upon — declined to identify himself, saying only, “My name is Legion, for we are many.”