SARA WILD
Special to the Lampoon
The 49th annual Super Bowl last February was watched by millions and won by the New England Patriots, a question which will eventually be asked in the 2030 edition of Trivial Pursuit. What most people remember about the game, however, was the showstealing aquatic background dancer, flailing away behind Ms. Katy Perry during the halftime show. Or at least they did for the next week.
Before his resignation, Left Shark’s manager agreed to one last favor, publishing his statement on cultural relevancy. “What people need to understand,” Left Shark explained, “is that I’m not planking. I’m not the Harlem Shake or a yipping fox song. I’m not going to fall away like every other Trivia Crack, Twitterstarterpack fad — I’m here to stay.”
Upon the release of said statement, there have been several reports made by people claiming that Left Shark, when passed on the street, will aggressively push business cards on others. He’ll pitch his availability for bar mitzvahs, bachelorette parties and funerals with a toohard fin pat to the back. Furthermore, the rumor of a Left Shark balloon in this year’s upcoming Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade, a rumor thought to be started by the marine fish himself, could neither be confirmed nor denied by a very confusedsounding board member.