PHYLLIS T. CUPP
Lampoonist
Straight people have long fought for acceptance. This summer, on June 26, when gay marriage became legalized across the country, defenders of the sanctity of marriage were up in arms — and I don’t mean up in the arms of their mistresses.
Quickly, straight Americans found a way to make this struggle about them. On June 27, just one day after Obergefell v. Hodges ruled that denying gay marriage was unconstitutional, Heterosexual Rights activists triumphed once again: now that the gays have marriage, the straights are taking civil unions.
This rushed and panicked landmark decision in American culture came from many people who believe that “marriage is just between a man and a woman,” or that it is “Adam and Eve — not Adam and Steve.” These trademark phrases of Heterosexual Rights activism have assisted in providing the movement the momentum necessary to be successful.
Whether in the news, on the television, or in the classroom, straight people all feel a similar way about LGBT+ people. Unless they’re butch or sassy, they’re better left beneath the shadow of the much more socially normative straight people.
“Don’t get me wrong; I love the gays,” said pop singer Katy Perry. “Without them, I wouldn’t have, like, any money at all. But as a straight woman I think we should emphasize more on straight people now. I want to kiss a boy and like it.”
Even the straight president of our fine nation had some words to offer about the impact of this event.
“I think straight people are the backbone that hold any great gay country together. We must support the backbone, and the rest of the skeleton will grow,” President Barack Obama said in a recent press conference.
Now that straight people have earned their right for civil unions, what’s next on the heterosexual horizon? Some say straight bars will start popping up in towns much like Fredonia. These bars are just like normal bars, but these ones don’t allow any gay people in at all.
Others say that a Straight History month is in the works. This would be a time to celebrate all the great achievements made by straight people in society, like normalizing the pejorative term “faggot” and ending the Stonewall Riots.
One thing is for certain: now that straight people are in the spotlight, the gays will have to work extra hard to live up to their standards.