MISSY FEOLA
Special to The Lampoon
You heard the rumors first on Yik Yak, and they are 120 percent true. Fredonia is, in fact, opening a new silkworm spa. It is scheduled to open on Oct. 14 of this year, and the spa will be located in the building that was once the Erie Dining Hall.
For the opening day of Silkworm Spa, there will be free silkworm body wraps for the first 20 customers. You will be slathered with a body mask made of algae, seaweed, mud and silk for approximately six hours. Then you will take a soothing, detoxifying bath with 200 of their very best silkworms. They will crawl into places on your body you didn’t even know existed and will whisper sweet nothings into your ears.
Or there is the option to get a silkworm facial for only $5. It is guaranteed that you will be glowing from the inside and out after any of the silkworm treatments, and all of your friends will be jealous of your newfound beauty.
“We here at Fredonia take our treatment of silkworms extremely seriously,” said Iggy Sabadaz, the proud owner of Fredonia’s new spa. “Each silkworm is pampered to perfection, so that our customers will fully enjoy the worms’ silky goodness.”
If you see teams of people vacuuming the leaves of the mulberry trees around campus, it is because they are vacuuming the silkworms off of the leaves to be brought into the spa. But do not fret! The silkworms have said themselves that they enjoy their time in the vacuum from the tree to the spa.
“The air from the vacuum is very soothing,” said Alberta the silkworm. “I also met my fiancé, Jared, in the vacuum.”
Sidenote: Alberta and Jared’s wedding will be on Sept. 24, taking place on the third leaf from the left on the mulberry tree by Reed Library.
Sabadaz wanted to reiterate the point that no — we repeat — no silkworms were harmed in the making of her body wraps. Mistreatment of silkworms is a serious offense that could result in 20 years to life of jail time.
So, fellow Fredonians, stop by the Silkworm Spa in a couple of weeks and get the pampering of your life. You will never be the same again.