THE FEVER
Special to The Lampoon
Since people are often unsure of how to define certain places around campus, here’s a nifty little dictionary to help when someone asks you “What’s that?”
Cranston Marche: In the upper level of the University Commons, this all-you-can-eat buffet serves breakfast, lunch and dinner, and access only costs one meal or under 10 points. It’s perfect for those who go to the creek and come back with a bad case of the munchies.
LoGrasso Hall: The Health Center on campus, LoGrasso provides the campus with health care and promotes safe sex. No, seriously. According to them, everyone is either pregnant or has mono. They also have enough condoms there to supply a small country. They even have finger condoms!
Dods Hall: Across from the Williams Center, Dods Hall houses the campus’ fitness center. Here you will find a wide array of fitness equipment for both cardio and strength training. They also have a climbing wall. It would be nice if the wall was ever open, but it usually seems like no one works at it.
The Creek: Located off-campus, the Creek is where everyone from stoners to adventurers go. And, as the name suggests, it’s a creek. People smoke pot there. Need I say more?
Tim Hortons: Unless you’ve been living under a rock all your life, you’ve heard of Tim Hortons, everyone’s favorite Canadian coffee shop. But the one on campus is special, because they have a tendency to not have what’s on the menu. All you wanted was a Buffalo chicken mac & cheese. But even though it was on the menu, they didn’t have it. And on top of that, they don’t even serve mac & cheese until 11 a.m., which saddens your soul deeply.
Starbucks: The other coffee shop on campus, Starbucks’ Italian-inspired size chart translate to Large, Twenty, and Thirty. Because it makes so much sense to say “Yes, I’d like a thirty iced coffee.” Also, the “small” size is a Tall, which doesn’t translate to anything in Italian. Can we just label the drink sizes normally and call it a day?
Centre Pointe Lounge: Under the Williams Center lies Centre Pointe, the overpriced cousin of Cranston. Same concept, but you have to pay for everything — and I mean everything, including a side of bleu cheese. Nothing there is really cheap, but it’s usually better than Cranston, so an eye for an eye.
El Diablo Azul: Literally means “The Blue Devil” in Spanish. Eat enough of this Mexican Grill food and the Brown Devil will dominate your colon by the end of the day.