DEVON HEADLEY
Special to The Lampoon
There is a myth that dates all the way back to June 16, 2015. Many people are terrified of this tale — they wouldn’t dare say this man’s name because of the fear of being haunted by his ghastly hairpiece.
This tale was passed down from YouTube comment to YouTube comment and this naturally sparked people’s curiosity. Therefore, this became a new party game. No, it doesn’t involve a Ouija board (even though that would be safer); a person goes into a bathroom with the lights off, lights red candles, looks into the mirror and says his name three times.
It’s not Bloody Mary or the Candyman. Even they are afraid of this embodiment of capitalist evil called: “The Trump.”
Legend has it that if you say Trump’s name three times in the mirror, he appears and yells out racist and sexist terms at you.
Many people don’t survive this otherworldly verbal assault — but a few have. These survivors underwent months of counseling after witnessing The Trump. Only two people mustered up the courage to recount their experience to The Leader.
“I was about 19 minutes into Netflix and chill,” Milton P. said. “My girlfriend told me about the myth. Obviously, I didn’t believe her. So she dared me to go in the bathroom and say Trump’s name. Me and her went into the bathroom, turned off the lights and lit candles. We said his name three times. The lights flickered, and Trump appeared.
“His hairpiece called me a Mexican and said I brought drugs to this country,” P. continued. “I’m actually Ecuadorian. He then told my girlfriend that she belongs in the kitchen. He reached out to grab me, and that’s all I remember.”
The Trump is also known to control people’s minds. There is a cult dedicated to The Trump that performs sacrifices to keep him content. Each time his polling increases, he has stolen someone’s soul through the mirror to make him stronger and stronger.
The only way to stop The Trump from taking souls is to stop believing in him. If you do not say his name in the mirror, he cannot get your soul and he will not be up in the polls.
So consider this a warning: do not say Trump’s name in the mirror or you could be the next subject of his belittlement.