PHYLLIS T. CUPP
Lampoonist
Over the last few days, Yik Yak has been aghast with news of a squirrel following important Fredonia figures. Gossip Squirrel, as the handle states, is climbing in your windows and snatching your people up.
“Is V getting coffee with H? Or is it something more? That’s a secret I’ll never tell,” one of the Yaks goes, presumably following recent rumors about a certain president and another administrator. “XOXO, Gossip Squirrel.”
Though seemingly innocent at first, the squirrel became more and more omnipresent — some even believe that there is a team of Gossip Squirrels running around campus.
“I thought it was cute at first,” said freshman Terri Fyde. “But at night I see small shadows running around in red cloaks. I haven’t had a good night’s sleep since the Gossip Squirrel yakked about me and my friend.
The yak goes like this:
“T and F seen fighting over their boyfriends outside the Williams Center. Will this power struggle go on forever? Not if I have anything to say about it. -G.S.”
Since the yak, Fyde and her friend, who has chosen to remain anonymous, have been under University Police protection. They each said how the Gossip Squirrel and her furry fury are frightening the folk here at Fredonia.
There are some suspicions that the Gossip Squirrel isn’t even a squirrel at all, but a groundskeeper. Some even believe that she’s a professor.
“We have no solid leads into the identity of the ‘Gossip Squirrel,’” said Ann Burns, chief of Fredonia police, “but we are constantly on the lookout for any clues that will help us.”
One particularly odd theory states that Gossip Squirrel is none other than CBS’s most recent Big Brother winner Steve Moses, the squirrely Fredonia student who sneaked his way to the top.
No one knows who Gossip Squirrel really is except for Gossip Squirrel herself, but one thing is for certain — the Gossip Squirrel is out there, and no one is safe.
