PHYLLIS T. CUPP
Lampoonist
Capricorn
It’s getting cold enough to retire your favorite pair of short shorts this week, Capricorn. The frilled hem wasn’t doing you any favors anyway.
Aquarius
If you get stir fry from the Williams Center, make sure you also buy a lot of water. The chefs are playing with a new Cajun spice this week and are, apparently, also playing with your digestive system.
Pisces
This week, your boyfriend will break up with you, Pisces. If you don’t have a boyfriend, your girlfriend will break up with you. If you’re single, your pet will break up with you. If you’re single and don’t have any domesticated animals: congratulations! This week is going to be great.
Aries
Find the Editor in Chief of The Leader. Give her a back massage. If she hits you in the head with her purse, screaming “Who even are you?” then you did it right.
Taurus
Add 17 extra shots of pumpkin spice to your pumpkin spice latte from Starbucks this week. You’ll thank me later, Taurus.
Gemini
If you drop your phone this week, even if it’s safely cradled in an OtterBox, it will shatter — and not just the screen. Each little piece will crumble until there is nothing left of your phone but dust and memories.
Cancer
You’ll fall in love this week. Then again, you’re a Cancer, so you’re probably used to that by now.
Leo
This is the perfect time to call your family. They miss you, Leo, and you owe them a lot of money because of all the new “habits” you’ve developed at school.
Virgo
Go to the doctor and get a check up. If you don’t do this by Friday, and you eat one more Calio, your right elbow will start to hurt. You may also get a fever, and you’re running low on chicken noodle soup.
Libra
This week, someone will give you a dirty look. It may be your professor, or it may be your dean. It could be a squirrel. Don’t think about it too much: you do have resting bitch face, after all.
Scorpio
If you’re running low on points, you can sell your body at Baby Dolls during Amateur Night. Tell patrons that you’ll accept tips in FredFunds.
Sagittarius
This week, you will have an existential crisis and realize that you do not, in fact, exist at all. Sleep well knowing that your life has been a lie.