RILEY STRAW
Lampoon Editor
According to BBC, Martin Shkreli is “the most hated man in America” after he raised the price on Daraprim, a medication used to treat those with weakened immune systems. After he raised the price from $13.50 to $750 per pill, Shkreli faces some unforeseen consequences.
“You know, I’d been feeling sick [in the head] for a while,” Shkreli revealed in a recent interview, “but I never expected this.”
Shkreli, age 32, came clean last week that he contracted a new immunodeficiency virus: IDiOtS (Immunodeficiency in Overcoming the Stigma). The news came as a shock to him, as it primarily affects functioning in areas of the brain such as compassion, respect and charity.
He said he was surprised because he’s always been such a thoughtful and caring person.
“I got the IDiOtS from a long night of doing coke off of a prostitute’s ‘lady areas’ with all my other friends, the other hedge fund managers I work with,” Shkreli said,. “I thought a disease like this would never affect me because I’m a straight, upper class, cisgender, white male.”
The biggest treatment for his specific case of IDiOtS? You guessed it: Daraprim.
“How am I supposed to pay $750 a pill to treat my IDiOtS? I haven’t actually spent my own money on anything since it was my mother’s money — even the coke from the other night was paid for by my mommy.”
AIDS, the immunodeficiency virus that develops from HIV, is much different from IDiOtS.; AIDS affects one in every one hundred people and, in 2012, was the leading cause of death in all of Africa. It also affects gay, white men and straight, black women disproportionately in comparison with other social groups.
Shkreli’s is the first case of IDiOts ever officially recorded, though it’s presumed that over one-eighth of all straight, white, upper class, cisgender males have it.
“Most white men of high social class show symptoms, which include a complete lack of empathy, subtle racial microaggressions and a high fever,” said the leading researcher on IDiOtS, Jessica D’Noncents. “It’s easily treatable with Daraprim and a special type of behavioral therapy.”
D’Noncents claims that “hugs” and “common sense training” are largely successful in most patients.
After Shkreli got the news, he lowered the prices on the drug.
“It’s alright to manipulate others based on their health,” Shkreli said. “But if I can’t even treat my own case of IDiOtS, then it’s just gone too far.”