PHYLLIS T. CUPP
Lampoonist
The uproar on social media Tuesday night following an “emergency in Dod’s Hall and Parking Lot 10” left many questions in the minds of Fredonia students. Why are we on lockdown? Was Wall-E really on campus? Which Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle was that walking around the parking lot?
But perhaps the most important question: what on Earth happened?
When onlookers watched the taped-off parking lot, they developed assumptions — both correctly and incorrectly. When students asked attending officers if the incident was a bomb threat, the officers responded with “Well, it wasn’t not not not not not a bomb threat.”
While police continued their work in secrecy, so did I — I went undercover as a giant white barrel on wheels to get the full scoop.
Apparently what happened was that sophomore Kim Ecoles noticed a trend amongst freshman — they all started going to the gym.
“It’s just — it’s just not fair,” Ecoles said in a private interview. “When I was a freshman, I gained so much weight. Why must we try to change destiny?”
Ecoles reported a “suspicious package” in one of the parked cars in the lot. The package, as it turns out, was a box of high-protein granola bars.
“The freshmen need to learn their place in the world,” she said. “And to me, that means gaining as much weight as physically possible.”
As the gym is in Dod’s Hall, this was the perfect place for her to stage her act of vigilante justice. By claiming that there was a “suspicious package,” Ecoles thought that the entire building would be closed off for the rest of the semester — but she thought wrong.
After the administration determined the call-in was a hoax, they discovered her hiding out in her Gregory Hall dorm room — just a few doors down from the University Police office. She was found covered in Hershey’s chocolate, crying and screaming “This is not what fate demands!”
Ecoles is currently being held on charges of filing a false police report and preventing proper personal healthcare. Her court date is this Friday, and her bail is set at 10,000 pushups.