MISSY FEOLA
Staff Lampoonist
Most of you have heard about the recent outbreak of the Fredonia plague and have been doing everything you can to not get it. Many students have even dropped out of college due to fear of catching this venomous plague. If you are lucky enough, you have not yet experienced the debilitating agony that comes from the illness; it eats you from the inside out to the point where you don’t even know who you are anymore.
Scientists have traced the origins of the plague to a devious little squirrel named Shelby. On the night of Tuesday, Oct. 6, Shelby the squirrel was exhibiting odd behavior. One of our Fredonia students, who has requested to remain anonymous, was seen playing with Shelby on this night.
It was then reported that out of nowhere, the squirrel started hopping up and down on one foot and twitching violently. The Fredonia student was concerned, and tried to calm Shelby down. But when the student reached out to help her, Shelby bit her hand and then twitched away into the depths of the Fredonia woodlands. The Fredonia student then began to experience strange symptoms, and, not knowing that she was infected, went into public. Thus, the Fredonia plague was born.
Listed below are the common symptoms of the plague that students should look out for:
- Puking up Burnett’s vodka (after not having consumed said Burnett’s)
- Sudden attraction to squirrels
- Lack of teeth
- An overwhelming urge to say “Trump 2k15” every time you are called on in class
- You find yourself in fetal position, repeating “come to Grissom, come to Grissom,” over and over again
- Yelling “SUNNYS!” whenever you sneeze
- Inability to stop listening to the song “Total Eclipse of the Heart” by Bonnie Tyler
- Warped sense of reality where you start to believe that you are Beyoncé
- Night terrors involving demon squirrels
- Craving the Purina dog food that you smell in the air every day
If you have exhibited any of the above symptoms, then it is important that you take the following precautions:
- Wash hands thoroughly multiple times a day with squirrel urine
- Bathe in Burnett’s vodka for exactly six hours and 23 minutes
- Delete all Bonnie Tyler and Beyoncé tunes from your music collection
- Do not look directly into the eyes of a squirrel, no matter how tempted you may be
- Do not sleep, not even for a minute, in order to avoid onset of night terrors
- Become a strong supporter of Bernie Sanders
- Throw away every single pair of UGG boots in your possession
- Drop out, for the sake of all healthy students
Stay healthy, everybody! It’s a dangerous place out there.