THE FEVER
Lampoonist
Capricorn
Capricorn? More like Capri-CORNY. You will be subjected to heavy doses of cheesy humor if you continue your regular routine. Switch it up to avoid persistent psyche-damaging humor.
Aquarius
Be wary of your surroundings, Aquarius. You will encounter many heartbroken friends and companions this week. Even if you don’t care, try acting like you do, so that you don’t look like the unemotional and detached bitch that you really are.
Pisces
Please do everyone a favor, Pisces, and relax with the pumpkin spice. You smell like you went on an expedition for the Great Pumpkin. Not to mention that it’s tacky.
Aries
Your senses are tingling for an adventure. Take a trip downtown or to the creek. Just be sure not to act too stupid, or people might think that you’re high on drugs, when in reality, you’re high on life (and also a little bit of pot)!
Taurus
Listen closely, Taurus. Stay patient. I know it’s been over two hours since you ordered Calios, but it will be worth it. Mark my words.
Gemini
Watch out, Gemini, the force is strong in this one. And by “this one,” we mean that El Diablo beef, bean and cheese burrito. Don’t do it. Please.
Cancer
Apply for an emotional support pet. It might just work this time. If not this time, then the next time, or the next time, or the next time. If that fails, just put your dog in a fish costume and stick ’em in a fish tank. Perfect!
Leo
Generosity will bring you good fortune, Leo. Take a stroll across the nearest crosswalk after performing a generous act, and you are almost guaranteed to be hit by an FSA truck. Free tuition!
Virgo
Your sign, while represented by the Virgin, does not represent you in the slightest. Go out and have fun! Who knows what’ll happen? You might end up having an awkward hook-up that you’ll regret for the rest of your college career!
Libra
Make way for new doors to open in your life. However, don’t let your indecisiveness close these doors, or you could end up like the Fredonians who stayed on-campus during Fall Break — not realizing that all the doors around them are closing — and you’ll be hungry. You’ll probably have to resort to calzones.
Scorpio
You will get jealous. But hey, what else is new?
Sagittarius
Your blind optimism will deceive you, Sagittarius. Betrayal and deceit loom around the corner. If things seem like they are going well, don’t trust it. Just be sure to have an Aquarius friend on standby, so they can act like they care about your problems.