RILEY STRAW
Lampoon Editor
We were all warned about how gay marriage would ruin marriage for the normal people. After Obergefell v. Hodges, the landmark court case that ensured gay marriage would be legal in all 50 states, lives of straight Americans have been ultimately uprooted.
The traditional rule of marriage — the one that ensured all straight couples must maintain a consistent level of unhappiness with each of their relationships — has been called into question.
“I remember seeing how sad my parents were all the time when I was growing up,” said gay marriage denier Therese Onferteers. “Now that my boyfriend and I are getting married, I’m worried that we won’t have the same opportunity to not be satisfied.
“We would have gotten away with it, too, if it wasn’t for those meddling gays.”
Ever since gay marriage has been legalized, straight people have started talking about how happy their marriages have made them, how they have a new sense of hope for the future, and how proud they are that their brothers and sisters can now experience this same happiness. This, they say, has ruined the sanctity of marriage.
“It’s just not natural,” Onferteers continued. “What’s next? Actually reading the Bible?”
“What if one of those gay men tries to flirt with me?” said straight man Marc Maiwards. “I’m not used to people finding me attractive at all. I might slip up and become a gay.”
These concerns were echoed by nearly every straight male we interviewed who had never heard of the third letter in “LGBT” or who never experimented in college.
Each straight person has noticed a distinct increase in self-appreciation, accompanied by a fall in sadness. Mental health has improved among the average American, and bakers have seen a rise in sales due to all the new weddings popping up — that is unless they went out of business before gay marriage was legalized.
Local lesbian Celeste Amerrier said, “I could see how my newfound happiness is ruining expectations of marriage across the country. I feel bad for everyone who now has to deal with seeing smiles and laughter.”
Though the outlook is bleak for bleakness, Onferteers said that she hasn’t given up her lack of hope. She believes that in 2016, things may take a turn for the worse in the best way possible.
“I know that if Donald Trump wins the election, the straights’ ideals of disparity and discrimination will return,” she said. “My only hope now is that he takes the hope away.”