THE FEVER
Staff Lampoonist
Within the deepest corners of our campus lies the one thing we all fear: marijuana. The dreaded substance has made waves and has also caused a spike in violence at the creek.
In just a short amount of time, acts of violence have reached an all time high at the creek. Many students have been returning from the “Marijuana Watering Hole,” as student vagrants call it, with injuries ranging from simple bruises to burns from marijuana joints.
Unbeknownst to the public, this has become a growing epidemic in the neighboring counties, as reported by Marijuana Makes You Violent (MMYV). For those of you who are unaware, MMYV is an activist group that uses factual, scientific information to protest the legalization of marijuana.
The group has been compiling information over the past three years, mainly on how marijuana is the most dangerous substance out there. Yes, worse than cigarettes, meth and cocaine put together. With their findings, they have confirmed that everyone who smokes a pot is at a 100 percent risk of dying. In fact, in 2002 there were 406,290 pot-related deaths—more than alcohol and cigarettes combined.
MMYV correspondents have reported that approximately one thousand marijuana related assaults have occurred at the creek last week.
“It’s mainly due to the THC in the potweed,” says one correspondent. “‘THC’ stands for ‘The Hate Chemical,’ so it only makes sense.”
MMYV has since sent out patrols to keep an eye out for pot injectors and marijuana snorters. They have a specific interest in the person known as the “Medicine Man” and have even offered a reward for his capture.
“We want to catch this menace before he injects more victims with his evil hemp,” says a patrol for MMYV. “With him behind bars, the town can rest safe knowing that they can smoke their harmless meth in peace.”
He is also considered extremely dangerous; just one touch with his weed-laced fingers can put you in the hospital. Anyone with information on his whereabouts should call their hotline at 1-800-DIE-WEED.