THE FEVER
Staff Lampoonist
Celebration, food and school spirit: that’s what Homecoming is all about. It serves as a brief reminder of our days in high school — without the dance and formalwear.
One of the many similarities to a high school homecoming is the poll for the court. At almost every Homecoming, two individuals are selected to hold the throne of Homecoming King and Queen. As such, the runners-up are usually left with grave feelings of resentment, jealousy and disappointment comparable to contestants in a Miss America Pageant.
However, this feeling of anguish was completely avoided because of the new titles for Homecoming — titles that aren’t cliché. In order to preserve school spirit and individual spirit, there are now more than just the conventional titles of “King” and “Queen”; Homecoming now houses a number of titles to fit any type of person.
For example, someone may not fit into the category of Homecoming Queen. Perhaps the title of Homecoming Drama Queen better fits that person’s demographic; this way the dramatic behavior can be validated with a trophy or an oversized sash.
“I just want to thank everyone who voted for me,” began the Homecoming Drama Queen. “And for you people who didn’t vote for me, you can all suck it because I still won!”
Your friendly neighborhood stoner could also use some credit for their shenanigans around campus by becoming the Homecoming Pothead.
We also seem to have forgotten that alliterations are amazingly awesome, always. With that, it is proposed that Homecoming titles get the alliteration treatment, just for the sheer awesomeness of it.
The shut-in who always stays in their dorm playing League of Legends could be nominated as the Homecoming Homebody. That one friend who always gets irrationally mad at everything? They could take the spot of Homecoming Hothead and stand tall in the ranks of Mel Gibson and Charlie Sheen. The guy in the gym who looks like he’d be in fair competition with any WWE fighter? He’s the Homecoming Heavyweight Hero, or Triple H, for short.
Any of these seem to sound better than the basic King and Queen. Let’s switch it up a bit and crown a Homecoming Squirrel while we’re at it.