THE FEVER
Staff Lampoonist
Capricorn
Okay, Capricorn, this is it. You can do it. You’re going to march through that haunted house and not come out covered in your own piss.
Aquarius
Be on the lookout on All Hallow’s Eve: You may run into Kanye West wearing a costume of Kanye West.
Pisces
Look into the mirror, Pisces. Say “Bloody Mary” three times. Now that you’ve practiced, go to the bar and order one — without acting too drunk.
Aries
If your significant other wants you to dress in a couple’s costume, don’t do it. Odds are you won’t look cute — only tacky.
Taurus
That costume that you bought online is not going to come on time. Sorry, Taurus. You might just have to wrap yourself in toilet paper and call yourself a mummy.
Gemini
Lay off the candy corn, Gemini. Seriously, it’s literally just sugar, and it’s gross. Just quit while you’re ahead.
Cancer
Now’s the time to tap into your creative side, Cancer. Have your short friend go trick-or-treating, posing as a kid with you pretending to be their parent. Split the profit.
Leo
Dress up as a box of Life cereal. Hand out lemons to trick-or-treaters. Don’t explain it, just see how many people understand.
Virgo
You will come across good luck this week, Virgo. Don’t be afraid to talk to the cute pirate at your next Halloween party. At the end of the night they’ll be coming for YOUR booty.
Libra
Don’t listen to the rumors this year. There is no such thing as “suspicious” candy. Everyone who has candy is a nice person, so you have nothing to worry about — even if they’re giving it out from a suspicious van!
Scorpio
In order to attain good fortune for the rest of the year, you must smash every pumpkin you see. Smash them to bits, then use their guts as war paint.
Sagittarius
Be careful, Sagittarius. Check your corners, and make sure there’s not an Alfred-Hitchcock-inspired killer in your bathroom before you shower.