EMMO
Staff Lampoonist
On Saturday, the Zombie Crawl took place in the Barker Commons area in downtown Fredonia. There were tons of activities like a living-dead makeup table, a zombie nerf gun gauntlet and a contest to see who was the best zombie, all leading up to the big event — the zombie crawl. Only this year, there was a huge twist that nobody expected.
To make things a bit more interesting for Zombie Crawl 2015, “zombies” were broken up into three different tiers, each with varying abilities — walkers, hunters and brutes.
Each tier was pumped with a different concoction of mind-altering substances. The result was a horde of authentic looking and behaving zombies.
Walkers attempted to emulate a type of zombie with low awareness and energy that posed only a minor threat to participants. These types were injected with a mixture of marijuana, Xanax and herbal tea to keep them barely conscious.
The hunters needed to be quicker and much more aware than walkers. Where’s the fun in zombies that can easily be escaped by power-walking? A fine blend of Adderall, espresso and high fructose corn syrup was administered to each of them to keep them alert and anxious to prey on the weaker targets.
Finally, the brutes.
The creators of the Zombie Crawl wanted to give some real competition to participants who were up to the challenge. Since they already had hunters that were fast and aware, they needed something different. A hyper-aggressive, Hulk-like zombie was the only answer.
Brutes were given a strong dose of cocaine, one cycle of anabolic steroids and were forced to watch hours on end of nothing but the series finale of “How I Met Your Mother.” Attendees didn’t want to fall prey to one of these bloodthirsty beasts.
“I thought the hunters were the scariest,” said Drew Gadicked, a senior social work major said. “Their pupils were huge, and they were all so skinny and shambling. They were definitely the most realistic.”
No one was seriously harmed in this year’s Zombie Crawl, so organizers are already preparing for next year. Officials said they plan to experiment on Fredonia students with PCP, exposure to radiation and “just enough LSD to make the zombies feel kind of weird.”