RILEY STRAW
Lampoon Editor
Fredonia has almost everything its students could want: There’s a gazebo, a fountain, benches and more. This may seem like a fantasy for college students to some, but the administrators never stop thinking of new ways to improve the campus.
That’s why officials announced their plans to implement a new on-campus zoo this week. But there’s a catch: these zoos will be filled only with hungry Fredonia students.
Complete with troughs containing the leftover food from Erie Hall, students will have the option to live in these zoos instead of paying for meal plans and housing. Students will only be allowed to leave to attend classes and will spend the rest of their time under the watch of vice president of Student Affairs and zookeeper David Herman and hundreds of their peers.
During the winter, caged students will be equipped with tarps to protect them from the snow.
“We were really looking to spice things up on campus,” Herman said about the plans. “What better way to make our students feel more at home than to allow them to watch other students whenever they want?”
The cages will include toilet bowls, sinks, mirrors, dressers and a stack of hay for a bed. Participating students are encouraged to bring their own clothes, but nudity will also be accepted in these cages to “really achieve the authentic feeling of a zoo,” according to the website published last week.
“I already suffer from extraordinarily poor hygiene,” said freshman and prospective zoo inhabitant Jenny Talwartz. “When I heard about this opportunity, I thought it was perfect or me.”
Human rights organizations on campus are conflicted, comparing the social experiment to low income housing, which they like; on the other hand, students will be in zoos, so they don’t know how they feel about that.
“I’m doing it for exposure,” said junior performance art major Leslie Pformi. “I’m looking at it like a new art installation, just with humans.”
The zoo will be installed some time between Spring 2016 and Fall 2032, but construction is already underway. It will be located along Ring Road, between the parking lots and the Brigham apartments.
There are rumors that there will be gladiator fights, featuring student zoo animals, in order to receive scholarships and special treats, but nothing has yet been confirmed.