PHYLLIS T. CUPP
Lampoonist
Aries
Your lack of outward emotion will work in your favor, Aries, as the 25th Annual Staring Contest is being held on Sunday. You will finish in third place.
Taurus
This week, your stress will consume you like you consumed Maria’s four times last week. Do some laundry to get those pizza stains out, and look at yourself in the mirror.
Gemini
Treat one of your faces to an antibacterial scrub as the other one recovers from getting slapped at Sunny’s last weekend.
Cancer
Stop falling in love with the same person in a different body, Cancer. Instead, try carpentry or maintaining a zen garden to get over your hopelessly romantic tendencies.
Leo
You can do no wrong this week. Go ahead and piss off your roof like you keep telling your friends you’re going to do when you’re drunk.
Virgo
Your perfectionist nature will get the best of you this week. Good luck getting to sleep thinking about that embarrassing thing you did in ninth grade.
Libra
Relax your resting bitch face.
Scorpio
You will go between fits of rage and fits of crying for no reason this week. This newfound hysteria will last until Friday’s episode of “The Walking Dead.”
Sagittarius
“You’ll let the wind bring you where you need to go,” is what I’d tell you if you were not a Sagittarius. Instead, your controlling nature will direct the wind where it needs to go.
Capricorn
Stop being so sad and stock up on leftover Halloween candy from Walmart for, like, $1 per pound.
Aquarius
Your “go with the flow” attitude will be halted this week by a stray wildebeest in your bedroom.
Pisces
Your seemingly infinite search for knowledge will come to an end this week, as you will unlock the wisdom of ancient souls while (finally) reorganizing your closet.