THE FEVER
Staff Lampoonist
The gloves are off — or the hoods, rather. With the hacktivist group Anonymous releasing a list of politicians alleged to be involved in the Ku Klux Klan, the public was eager to hear whatever denial the political figures would come up with.
Gov. Ray Cyst of South Carolina made a speech in Columbia to express his humiliation, but not just for his supposed affiliation with the KKK, as would be expected. However, the accused made it known that, not only are the accusations true, but that he is sick and tired of being related to the government and will be resigning from his position to pursue his one true dream: to become a high ranking official in the Klan.
“After all this controversy, I have decided to step down from my position as governor,” stated Cyst. “With the big secret revealed, it’s only logical to be where I’m accepted.”
Cyst opened the floor to questions, but instead received backlash and criticism for his affiliation with the KKK.
“I’m not sure what the big deal is. I should be accepted for who I am, and how I choose to express myself is my business,” continued Cyst. “I am aspiring to become Grand Dragon, and this political position was only holding me back.”
In general, the public took his resignation with mixed feelings, mainly due to the now empty position that needs to be filled.
“We’re glad he’s out of office. Someone like that shouldn’t be in a position of power,” said Skip Dover, who attended Cyst’s speech. “But who is going to represent South Carolina now?”
Cyst was not alone in this decision. Alongside the governor was Rep. Ben Hayden of West Virginia. In a separate interview with Bigot’s Biweekly, Hayden went more into depth on his take of the decision, stating how he never wanted to be in government in the first place.
“My father was a politician, so I felt as though I had to carry the legacy so I didn’t disappoint him,” Hayden began. “Since he passed away, I don’t have anybody else to disappoint. So, in a way, his passing came with this feeling of liberation to be who I truly am.”
Hayden went on, admitting that his resignation, along with Cyst’s, was a long time coming, and started to take effect after South Carolina’s Confederate flag controversy.
“When it was decided to remove the Confederate flag from Columbia, Ray came to me, extremely upset about it,” continued Hayden. “So we made a pact to resign at the same time, and so we did.”
With Cyst and Hayden out of office, elections will be held to fill their empty offices. According to recent rumors, Chris Rock has expressed interest in running for governor. More information will come as provided, and be sure to apply online for the representative position.