Aries
It’s time to find a new outlet for your bottled rage, Aries. Regina George from “Mean Girls” cannot be your role model forever. Unless, of course, you want to join the women’s lacrosse team. That seemed to do wonders for her.
Taurus
Alright, we get it, Taurus — you are the master procrastinator. But that eight-page paper was due, like, two weeks ago. I think it’s time.
Gemini
Will you please just make a decision for once in your life? Commitment is hard for you, I get it. But really, all I wanted to know is where you want to go for lunch and campus only offers about three choices.
Cancer
This week you’ll have to toughen up, Cancer. Do the thing you’ve been wanting to do, without fear of failure. Channel your inner Shia. If he finds out you did, in fact, let your dreams be dreams, it’s over.
Leo
For this whole week, the planets suggest you don’t say anything sassy or insulting. It’ll be difficult, but you can do it. Did your classmate just complain that a math problem was “hard?” Try not to make a dick joke, alright?
Virgo
Share. Do you know the meaning of that word, Virgo? It’s like when you buy an empanada from Street Meat and your friend wants a bite and you say “Um, no. Buy your own,” except you actually give your friend a bite.
Libra
A friend will need you to be there for him this week, and you can’t flake like your gut reaction probably wants you to. Even though you want to sprint away like a gazelle being chased by an exotic alien cheetah whenever you spot tears, don’t.
Scorpio
Your parents will buy your little brother something expensive this week. Try not to be jealous. So what if it means you’re not the favorite child? Don’t you know the baby of the family is always the favorite?
Sagittarius
It’s alright to cry, Sagittarius. It’s a known fact that you’re allergic to feelings, but just try it.
Capricorn
You will have an original idea this week, Capricorn. I know, imagination is difficult. But I’m telling you, this will be a good one.
Aquarius
You know that urge you usually get while sitting in that boring class to just jump out the window and escape? Do it. Just make sure you’re on the first floor, you know?
Pisces
That memory you have that you can’t tell if it really happened or was just a dream was definitely just a dream. Actually, most of your memories are dreams because your head is literally always in the clouds. Stop it. Pay attention.