EMMO
Staff Lampoonist
A couple weeks ago The New York Times asked its readers what they would do when faced with a purely theoretical ethical dilemma. Their question?
“If you could go back in time and kill baby Hitler, would you do it?”
Interestingly enough, the top answer was yes with 42 percent of the votes. Those who said no made up 30 percent and the other 28 percent said they were not sure.
One would assume that more people would be willing to kill Hitler as an adult. But killing a baby seems wrong no matter the child’s inevitable future. Murdering babies is hard even though it could possibly be the right thing to do.
Listed below are some of the most evil characters to have ever existed. In spirit of The Times’ poll, The Lampoon asks: would you kill these babies?
- Vlad the Impaler
The 15th-century Prince of Wallachia was well known for cruelty. According to a 1521 German pamphlet, he “roasted children, whom he fed to their mothers … cut off the breasts of women and fed them to their husbands. After that, he had them all impaled.” He was the man who inspired Dracula, which popularized vampires. Kill him and you kill classics like Bram Stoker’s “Dracula,” “Nosferatu” and probably “Buffy the Vampire Slayer;” however, “Twilight” would probably not exist. It’s a double-edged sword.
- Medusa
Snake-haired and hideous (or gorgeous according to some interpretations), the daughter of Phorcys and Ceto is the embodiment of horror. Anyone who catches her gaze immediately turns to stone. Many could be saved from a terrible fate. At least you won’t have to look into baby Medusa’s eyes while you kill her. Seriously, don’t look into her eyes.
- The Koch Brothers
Inheriting their father’s wealth, industrialists and businessmen Charles and David Koch own the second-largest privately-owned company in the United States., Koch Industries. These libertarians are avid climate change deniers and play an active role in opposing climate change legislation. The brothers have been accused of funding think tanks, media pundits and politicians to further their own selfish agenda. Would you travel back to 1940 Wichita, Kansas, and murder 5-year-old Charles and his newborn baby brother David?
- Jared from Subway
The former spokesman of Subway, Jared Fogle was charged this year with paying for sex with minors and possessing child pornography. You could prevent this pedophile from ever laying a hand on a child, but then you would be a baby-killer. Would that make you just as bad as him? Would footlongs still be $5? Who knows?
- The Cosmos
Watching an episode of “Cosmos” (either 1980’s original or the 2014 remake) would have you believe the universe is a marvelous, awe-inspiring mystery full of curiosity. However, what has caused more anguish and destruction than the cosmos itself? You could end all the suffering by aborting the cosmos at its very conception.
- Swiper the Fox
This little bastard has attempted to sabotage Dora and Boots’ adventures at every turn. He steals all their belongings and hides them like it’s some kind of sick game. Does he get off on this? Also, why does he have to be told three times not to be a thieving piece of shit? Could you do the right thing and plunge a dagger right through his little bandit mask all while he looks at you with his adorable fox pup eyes?