THE FEVER
Assistant Lampoonist
With “Six Characters in Search of an Author” coming to a close this past weekend, the Lampoon wondered what kind of author the six characters wouldn’t want. So, a list has been compiled, consisting of writers — including novelists — playwrights and screenwriters, that these six characters would not want to finish their stories — not even when they’re at their most desperate.
George R.R. Martin
Kicking off this list is the author of the book (and TV show) “Game of Thrones.” While Martin is not a bad writer, the six characters probably would all become your favorite characters, then end up dead — although he could screw with their emotions even more and bring the beloved characters back. Your tears will be forever be in Martin’s drinking glass.
Nicholas Sparks
Responsible for “Dear John,” “The Notebook” and, most recently, “The Longest Ride,” Sparks has been given the reputation of raising the expectations of relationships to unreachable levels. It seems as though he only knows how to write romance, with no evidence of expanding his horizons. Unless the characters are looking for a romantic story with a heartbreaking ending, they should probably look elsewhere.
E.L. James
The “Fifty Shades” trilogy served as a release for lonely people everywhere. After writing the bestselling novels, James could turn her focus to the six characters and finish the story they had started. However, given her prefered genre of writing, I don’t think the family would want a continuation of the father and stepdaughters’ little incident.
Stephenie Meyer
As the author behind the “Twilight” saga, Meyer has had tremendous success in the novel and film industry, with her net worth of $125 million backing up that claim. The only way to continue this success is if she were to split the characters up — three werewolves and three vampires — then make them fight to the death in a heart wrenching civil war. It sounds good on paper, but the vampires will be covered in glitter, and that’s never a good thing. Just ask poor Robert Pattinson.
Adam Sandler
Becoming more washed up as the days move on, Sandler’s more recent films include “Pixels,” “Grown Ups 2” and “Jack and Jill.” Given Sandler’s movie formula of fart jokes, midgets and general tasteless humor, the six characters would want to look for a new author immediately, or else suffer the consequences of becoming a mediocre flick for Sandler to add to his collection.