PHYLLIS T. CUPP
Lampoonist
A sigh of relief fell over moral Americans when SeaWorld announced it would be releasing its captive killer whales back into the wild last week.
Since the release of the documentary “Blackfish,” SeaWorld has had a difficult time rationalizing the murders of several of its employes due to orca attacks. It’s hard to blame the whales, however; I know that if I was 12,000 pounds, I wouldn’t take shit from a tiny human.
SeaWorld, after its announcement, faced a predicament: What should it do with the giant pools?
At first, SeaWorld higher-ups thought a massive public swimming pool would be a great idea for park-goers. That was until they realized that pools with depths of 1,000 feet are not suitable for children and that they need something more entertaining than a shirtless, hairy Uncle Steve.
So, inevitably, SeaWorld decided on the only logical solution: to bring in the Pokémon.
SeaWorld hired a bioengineering company, Plainwidth Genes Inc., to get to work on designing real-life Pokémon to be featured in an exhibit called “Nostalgia Revisited.”
“When you’re dealing with wild animals, you always run the risk of natural, evolutionary habits, like eating people and stuff, because that’s what animals like to do in the wild,” Professor Oak, head of Plainwidth Genes, said. He chose not to include his first name during the interview. He continued, “but there are no evolutionary traits in bioengineered animals, and who doesn’t want to see their favorite childhood memory come to life?”
Determining which Pokémon to bring to our world was no easy task, scientists said. Ultimately, they decided upon three first generation Pokémon, as they called themselves “true fans of the game.”
“We thought it would be fascinating to see how real life Gyarados and Lapras would work together in the same tank, and we selected another tank in which to breed Blastoise,” said Oak. “The Wailord shows will be interesting, too. But we need to figure out how to get bigger hoops first.” His obvious excitement was overshadowed only by his obvious terror.
Working with Nintendo directly, surviving trainers were asked to don the traditional Pokémon hats, shorts and backpacks to really get the true vibe of the performance. Although the show is still in its test stages, there have only been minor injuries including minor drowning, minor frostbite and minor decapitation.
“I think it’s a great idea,” said SeaWorld trainer Liza Laround. “I’ve loved working with these fascinating creatures and getting to know their scientifically-crafted hearts. I do feel like they might be watching me while I sleep, but other than that, they’re incredibly comforting.”
SeaWorld is also offering an area where people may fish for their very own Pokémon, along with Pokéballs for purchase in the gift shop.
“I caught a Magikarp!” said Donnie Vulvdat, a 10-year-old test-viewer for the new additions to the park. “My mom said I could keep it in a fish tank, but I think I want to put it in a ocean where it can get big and maybe fight orcas in the sea.”
Trainers, scientists and SeaWorld administrators are still working out kinks, but it’s sure to be a sensation that you’ll want to catch.