EMMO
Staff Lampoonist
Starbucks’ decision to drop all Christmas-related symbols from its cup design has a certain kind of customer very unhappy. Enraged by the “politically correct” environment, devout Christians cannot fathom a Starbucks throw-away cup without candy canes, snowflakes, ornaments and all the festive, glittery nonsense that Jesus clearly said he wanted.
Most rational people couldn’t care less how their caffeine-holders are decorated. But maybe these angry customers have a point — political correctness is a problem. Putting a snowflake on a coffee cup shouldn’t offend people.
Christmas didn’t need to be dropped from Starbucks’ cup design, but maybe it’s time to give people of other faiths some recognition. The Lampoon suggests that Starbucks create different designs for Christians and non-Christians — the only two types of people in the world — to choose from when they order coffee.
Here are a handful of the design suggestions:
Jesus giving Satan the stone cold stunner
Christians and WWE fans alike can enjoy seeing the Antichrist face his demise by way of the greatest finishing move in pro-wrestling history.
Satan giving Jesus the tombstone piledriver
We can’t forget about the devout Satanists out there. The iconic tombstone piledriver feels fitting for the Dark Lord.
Arrow pointing toward Mecca
We live in the age of technology now. How hard is it to give Muslims a coffee cup that shows them the location of the holiest Islamic city? This cup will help out the good-natured but directionally-impaired Muslims.
American flag with the Star of David
It would be crazy to say the Jewish control the United States, but it would be wrong to say they don’t. This non-offensive design would surely be a hit!
Scientology blackmail
Each cup will be overflowing with unique threatening messages from members of the Church of Scientology telling you to stop criticizing the religion. This should make Scientologists feel nostalgic about their malicious past. You may even find your personal info on a cup!
Herd of sheep
Atheists will love this design. The sheep are meant to represent everyone who is not atheist — intellectually inferior fools who, in a sheep-like manner, blindly follow false doctrines and believe in imaginary deities.
Holy cow
Nothing represents Hinduism more than the central deity of the entire religion — the cow. Starbucks can get creative and put an aura around it and maybe some devas surrounding it.
Clear cup
This is for those who fear that any design will offend them. Completely devoid of color, design and writing, this cup is perfect for those who cannot help but be triggered by any external stimuli. Don’t forget to say “trigger warning” before handing customers their coffee, Starbucks!
We wanted to come up with a cup design for agnostics, but we figured that they couldn’t decide what they would want to order in the first place.
We hope that Starbucks will give our suggestions serious consideration.