MISSY FEOLA
Staff Lampoonist
Capricorn
Feeling extra salty today? The Starbucks cups got you all riled up? Go find some sugar and sprinkle it all over yourself to counteract your salty ways. Then, put some in your coffee and shut up.
Aquarius
No one likes to be told that he or she smells like stale cheese. So, instead, consider smelling like something delicious like chocolate or pizza. Heck, why not try to smell like a Thanksgiving turkey to get into the holiday spirit. Squirrels won’t be able to resist you.
Pisces
You will wake up this morning with the sudden ability to sing exactly like Adele. Take advantage of this. Stand on the opposite side of the room from a friend and start singing “Hello,” with all your heart and soul. Do it to strangers, too. Everyone can use a little more Adele in their life.
Aries
Sometimes you might forget the real reason that you are here — to meet people with the same exact bleeding-heart liberal views as yourself. Do yourself a favor and start going to the weekly Flower Children of Fredonia meetings. It’s where you belong, Aries.
Taurus
As a Taurus, you are known for being self-indulgent. With Thanksgiving right around the corner, you may scare away some of your family or friends with your unsatisfiable appetite. Resist that next slice of pie if you can stop yourself.
Gemini
Order a large pizza from Maria’s. Cover yourself with said pizza. Stand in a questionable position. Take a Snapchat of yourself and send it to Fredonia.snaps. Good things will come.
Cancer
What’re those!? No, seriously, what are those things growing from your head? Devil’s horns? I don’t know, but you might want to get that checked out before it’s too late.
Leo
Why you always lying? Seriously. We should rename you to Leo the Liar. Everyone knows you didn’t really get a cheeseburger on Burger Wednesday that looked exactly like everyone’s favorite “democratic socialist.” No matter how much you wish it to be true, Bernie Sanders is not the prophet.
Virgo
We know it’s been hard for you to concentrate lately. Anyone would be distracted if they found out they had Tim’s Syndrome (severe addiction to Tim Horton’s food). Just make sure to get your daily fix; otherwise, you might start experiencing bagel-like hallucinations from the withdrawal.
Libra
Sorry to burst your bubble, but your Thanksgiving turkey just isn’t feeling it this year. He gave you a terrible review on Yelp and won’t be using your services any longer. Guess you’ll be having a turkey-less dinner.
Scorpio
It sucks to suck. And man, do you suck, Scorpio. Why don’t you try not sucking for a day, and then we’ll think about giving you a real horoscope.
Sagittarius
Anytime that you encounter an awkward silence from now on, just say the phrase “pickle dreams.” Do this until everyone in the school starts saying it. When anyone asks, you will be the one who started the trend. Your level of cool will increase tremendously — we promise.