PHYLLIS T. CUPP
Lampoonist
This week, an ad for a used car went up in The Leader classified section. On paper, the car seemed reliable and strong, but we had questions about the used 1963 Lincoln Continental.
“It still runs real well,” said salesman Amy Reika. “There’s almost no dents or dings in the exterior of the car at all. This bad boy’s been all across the world, yessir, and almost no damage to the outside.”
After seeing the car, it was obvious that the salesman had not lied about the quality of the exterior. The paint looked new, and there was no immediately noticeable damage to the car.
It comes complete with LCD headlights so bright that the driver can see into all the cars on the road, a couple of political bumper stickers and a pistol in the glove compartment.
“The inside’s alright, too,” Reika said, “but look at how nice these tires are. They’ll getcha where ya need to go.”
After a closer inspection, it was clear to see that the interior of the car was all but coming apart.
The seats were torn and cushion foam was everywhere, and there was some burnt upholstery. The entire backseat was covered in gunshot holes, and there was a blood stain in the front passenger seat, in addition to the shattered inside lights and ripped-out radio system.
A CarFax report said that this car had actually seen multiple passengers die inside it; causes of death range from gunshot wounds, starvation, suicide and even an adjacent car bombing.
“Y’know, unfortunate things do happen, but we’ve fixed all the bad things about the car and now it’s good to go and stronger than ever,” Reika said.
The most suspicious thing about the car was its windows; it’s difficult for onlookers to get a good look into the car. It’s almost as though one needs to be in the car to know anything about the inside of the car.
What’s more interesting, however, is from the inside of the car, you can’t even notice the obvious problems. Instead, an optical illusion makes it so that everything you see through the windows looks dark and sad.
Previous owners said the car is “just destined to crumble in the middle of the road” and that it “never stood a chance.” That’s why some say the car is being sold.
“We just updated the heating system,” Reika said, with a stream of sweat dripping down her cheek. “The last owners said they kept gettin’ sick ‘cause it got so cold, so we made them buy a new one to make sure that wouldn’t happen again. A lot of people don’t like the new heating system, but we think it makes everything a lot easier.”
So, before you jump into buying, ask yourself if another car might suit you better. If you have any suggestions for improving the car, Reika asks that you contact your local government.