CHARLES PRITCHARD
Staff Writer
Thanksgiving has come and gone, leaving Christmas around the corner. And in its wake, it leaves a feeling of giving and generosity that echoes within us all.
This can only mean one thing: Grandma and Grandpa are out getting trampled underfoot by the horde of shoppers who are dead set on getting that waffle iron for $29.99 on Black Friday.
But it’s not like they were any better. G and G were out trying to get their ungrateful granddaughter the new iPhone, because all 13-year-old girls need smart phones — or at least that’s what little Becky Turner in fifth grade said.
As funny as it is to joke around about these kind of things, Black Friday and Cyber Monday turn into something out of a horror movie — more specifically, the low-budget horror film “The Purge,” where for a short amount of time, all crime is legal and encouraged.
That sums up these two dates perfectly.
Police attempted to control the mobs on that fateful Friday this year, having been called in when it became obvious that this was a bit more than the part-time Walmart employees could handle. Unfortunately, the horde mentality of the shoppers kicked in. The threat of losing the opportunity to buy a $39.99 popcorn maker was much greater than the cost of human life.
Target however, was a bit more prepared than Walmart for the insanity of Black Friday. Before the pearly automated gates opened, one worker, Leonardo, prepared his co-workers for the chaos that would inevitably be unleashed.
“Brethren!” he proclaimed from atop a register belt. “Today, we once again face our mortal enemy. There will be tears, and there will be bloodshed. However do not forget your allegiance.”
With an army of workers cheering and chanting as he stood on his check-out lane, they were all ready to face their demons: 70 percent discounts.
“Remember, though you may get yelled at, spat on or trampled, stand united. This. Is. Target!” Leonardo chanted as the doors swung open and a wave of compulsive spenders flooded the store.
If that doesn’t speak volumes about the holiday spirit, nothing does.
*Assistant Lampoonist, The Fever, contributed to this article