THE FEVER
Assistant Lampoonist
The world’s changing, for better or for worse. Soon we may very possibly be living in cities built on ships and barges — which actually sounds really awesome. But even so, we don’t want to be living in an actualized version of the game “Battleship.”
World leaders are now coming together to tackle the issue of climate change once and for all. More likely than not, this summit conference was put into motion after 15-year-old environmentalist Xiuhtezcatl Tonatiuh sued President Barack Obama with claims that he hasn’t done anything to address the problem.
The issue of global warming is not a new topic; however it made it into the mainstream with Al Gore and his “super cereal” documentary. While the overall issue of climate change is well known to the public, the primary cause of it is unknown, and has been pinned on many events and actions, namely the burning of fossil fuels. It is still unclear what the true cause of this epidemic is. But what is clear is that it is an inconvenient truth to us all.
With all these theories floating around, the truth is pretty obvious. So obvious, in fact, that none of us even thought of it. According to presidential candidate Ben Carson, the cause of climate change is not due to humanity’s irresponsibility, but due to aliens.
“I still stand by my theory that the pyramids were used to store grain,” Carson stated. “Coupled with that, I also firmly believe in the theory of an alien heat structure located in the polar ice caps.”
This theory is bold, yet plausible. As we all know, aliens exist. All those UFO sightings over the years that definitely were not satellites or stray balloons have backed that claim up that aliens exist. And since we know that, it is entirely possible that alien life could be sabotaging the planet that we know and love.
“Now, what I believe is that these extraterrestrial beings are setting us up, only scaring us enough to evacuate to Mars, at which point they will claim this planet for themselves,” Carson continued.
When asked how to handle climate change, Carson had a simple response.
“It’s simple: we kill the aliens,” he began. “We go to war with the North Pole, not just as a country, but as a unified humanity.”
With Carson’s plan to declare war on the North Pole, a special message was sent out to the people of the world from a surprising source.
“People, if you do put this Carson fellow into presidency, and you do attack our peaceful village, then I know exactly who to give coal to,” declared an agitated Santa Claus.
Issuing this warning to the world, it would be ill-advised to assault the North Pole. Unless coal is your thing, then, by all means, go for it.