MISSY FEOLA
Staff Lampoonist
Sick of not knowing what to do with all of those Christmas gifts that you don’t want every year? Does your unwanted presents pile seem to keep growing? Well, instead of watching them collect dust in a corner of your room, there are plenty of things you can do with your lame gifts.
Why not try donating some of them to the National Dolphins with Diabetes Foundation? You never know when a dolphin will want to read your new copy of “Fifty Shades of Grey.”
If you accidentally get six different “Fallout 4” video games this Christmas, don’t fret! Save them for the next ABC party in Fredonia, where you can tape all of the “Fallout 4” discs to your body. Just don’t be surprised if you end up naked by the end of the night because people want to play the game.
You can also create a shrine out of all your unused Christmas gifts. Then, you can stand in front of the majestic shrine you’ve created and perform a satanic ritual. You might find that your Christmas gifts hold more power than you gave them credit for.
If you’re feeling really giving this Christmas, try donating your unwanted presents to puppies that suffer from anxiety disorders. The item might help calm them down, or it might just be something for them to tear apart. But, either way, you’ll be able to rest your guilty conscious knowing that you did a good deed, instead of being your usual self-absorbed, heartless self.
You can also go to www.sellyourshittygifts.com. You might even find someone else’s crappy Christmas gift that you will want for yourself!
Lastly, you can bring your gifts to Fredonia and leave them in random places around campus. Someone’s bound to take interest in your fuzzy socks, and if they don’t, at least the squirrels might enjoy them.