The Leader
Scallion

Ho Ho Horoscopes

PHYLLIS T. CUPP

Astrolampoonist

 

Aries

The stars hate the pants you’re wearing today. Ask for new ones this holiday, or, better yet, just stop wearing pants altogether.

 

Taurus

Sadly, Taurus, your family still has no idea what to get for you for the holiday season. Though you specifically asked for “Fallout 4,” instead be prepared to receive socks and a third copy of the movie “The Shawshank Redemption.”

 

Gemini

This year while you were at school, your parents forgot entirely that you exist, a la Macaulay Culkin from “Home Alone.” Remind them of your presence by screaming “Hello” by Adele as soon as you see them.

 

Cancer

Forget about receiving gifts from other people this year, Cancer. You already got yourself the best present of all: an existential crisis.

 

Leo

Set your sights low this year, Leo. If your New Year’s resolution is simply, “Don’t die,” you’ll either fulfill your expectations, or you’ll become unconcerned with material and mortal transgressions that once consumed your meaningless earthly existence.

 

Virgo

Dress up as Santa and go into your neighbors’ houses, leaving a warm, brown present underneath all of their Christmas trees.

 

Libra

You’d better watch out. You’d better not cry. You’d better not pout; I’m telling you why. There are people in the world who have kidney stones.


Scorpio

You will finally meet Santa Claus on Christmas morning as long as you take acid and stay up all night on Christmas Eve.

 

Sagittarius

Take time for yourself this Christmas. Get naked, dig a hole in the earth and cover yourself in a blanket of mud. If a cop asks why you are nude in his backyard, don’t answer him. Instead, mutter silently to yourself, “I’m ho-ho-home.”

 

Capricorn

Take a shot every time one of your family members reveals a deeply held and severely misinformed political belief over the dinner table. If all goes well, you’ll become an alcoholic.

 

Aquarius

Invent your own holiday this year. My suggestion is that you go into your neighbor’s back yard and chop down one of their trees. Use its bark to make an itchy sweater and dance in their kitchen chanting, “I am the earth; the earth is me” with gradual forte in a chromatic scale.

 

Pisces

Remind yourself to poke holes in the box of puppies you got for your significant other. You remember what happened last year.

Related posts

Horoscopes: What should your sign dress up as for Halloween?

Abbie Miller

Why do 10-year-olds think they’re better than me at Dress to Impress?

Contributor to The Leader

Horoscopes: What Papa’s game are you?

Abbie Miller

This website uses cookies to improve your experience. By clicking any link on this page, you are permitting us to set cookies. Accept Read More