PHYLLIS T. CUPP
Astrolampoonist
Aries
The stars hate the pants you’re wearing today. Ask for new ones this holiday, or, better yet, just stop wearing pants altogether.
Taurus
Sadly, Taurus, your family still has no idea what to get for you for the holiday season. Though you specifically asked for “Fallout 4,” instead be prepared to receive socks and a third copy of the movie “The Shawshank Redemption.”
Gemini
This year while you were at school, your parents forgot entirely that you exist, a la Macaulay Culkin from “Home Alone.” Remind them of your presence by screaming “Hello” by Adele as soon as you see them.
Cancer
Forget about receiving gifts from other people this year, Cancer. You already got yourself the best present of all: an existential crisis.
Leo
Set your sights low this year, Leo. If your New Year’s resolution is simply, “Don’t die,” you’ll either fulfill your expectations, or you’ll become unconcerned with material and mortal transgressions that once consumed your meaningless earthly existence.
Virgo
Dress up as Santa and go into your neighbors’ houses, leaving a warm, brown present underneath all of their Christmas trees.
Libra
You’d better watch out. You’d better not cry. You’d better not pout; I’m telling you why. There are people in the world who have kidney stones.
Scorpio
You will finally meet Santa Claus on Christmas morning as long as you take acid and stay up all night on Christmas Eve.
Sagittarius
Take time for yourself this Christmas. Get naked, dig a hole in the earth and cover yourself in a blanket of mud. If a cop asks why you are nude in his backyard, don’t answer him. Instead, mutter silently to yourself, “I’m ho-ho-home.”
Capricorn
Take a shot every time one of your family members reveals a deeply held and severely misinformed political belief over the dinner table. If all goes well, you’ll become an alcoholic.
Aquarius
Invent your own holiday this year. My suggestion is that you go into your neighbor’s back yard and chop down one of their trees. Use its bark to make an itchy sweater and dance in their kitchen chanting, “I am the earth; the earth is me” with gradual forte in a chromatic scale.
Pisces
Remind yourself to poke holes in the box of puppies you got for your significant other. You remember what happened last year.