MISSY FEOLA
Staff Lampoonist
College life is hard enough as a human. But can you imagine going through it as a dog? It’s not easy.
First of all, puppies have to deal being ridiculed for the fact that they have to urinate and defecate outdoors for the entire world to see. Not to mention the fact that dogs are not trusted to go anywhere outside unless they are attached to a leash, and they have to deal with the constant feeling of having a suffocating collar wrapped around their neck, never to be taken off.
The life of a puppy can be extremely traumatizing, which is why it is no surprise that so many have developed anxiety disorders. Puppies up the wazoo have been walking into the LoGrasso Counseling Center with their tails between their legs, whimpering for help. But the anxious pups often leave LoGrasso feeling even worse.
“We tell them our problems, and they just give us blank stares,” said Mitch the Shih Tzu. “It’s as if they think that their stares hold some magical power that will make all of our problems disappear. Woof, woof. Bark.”
The lack of help from LoGrasso has put many puppies into a state of rage. They’ve been running rampant around campus, ready to bite into the flesh of the first human that looks at them the wrong way.
“WOOF. We are people too,” growled Penny the Pomeranian. “Maybe not in the traditional sense, but we shouldn’t be treated any differently. BARK.”
And it gets even worse. Cats have been getting special treatment from the LoGrasso counselors. It’s a dog’s worst nightmare.
Cats enter the counseling center looking forlorn, and then, by the time they leave, they look positively pampered and rejuvenated. Meanwhile, the puppies sit on the sides and are forced to watch, cold and alone.
Why this sudden favoritism toward cats? Why the discrimination and unfair treatment towards man’s best friend? How did we let this happen? When will it end? Will Fredonia ever be the same?
So many questions. So much anxiety. LoGrasso, we could really use your help right now. Don’t give up on us. Woof.