TRAVIS LEFEVRE
Assistant Lampoon Editor
After coming under fire for his proposal to keep Muslim-Americans under surveillance, Republican frontrunner Donald Trump came out and admitted the fuel behind his bigoted fire; he was bullied by Muslim children in middle school.
In light of the recent attacks from ISIS and Syrians seeking refuge in the United States, Trump expressed his consideration for a national Muslim database to track Muslim-Americans, or make them carry special IDs that identify their religion. This is a move that’s not only unconstitutional, but it would also make Hitler very proud.
It comes as no surprise that Trump once again attempted to demean another minority, considering his infamous “Great Wall of Mexico” speech which won’t be forgotten anytime soon.
Making such an extreme suggestion can only mean one thing: There’s more to it than just current events. Maybe he’s had some daddy issues, or maybe for his seventh birthday he got a red Ferrari instead of a green one, scarring him for life. With such allegations being thrown around, Trump admitted that there was in fact more to it.
“I know my proposal to keep track of Muslim-Americans is extreme, but it is for good reason,” Trump began. “I don’t want any child to experience the suffering that I had as a child, being continuously harassed by Muslim children at the playground.”
Trump’s initial statement confused listeners, one of which asked for clarification to see if he was just making comparison of terrorism to childhood bullies.
“No, no, no, I mean I was actually bullied as a child by a Muslim and a Mexican classmate,” continued Trump.
He then began explaining his prepubescent torment with a lump in his throat.
“They would take my toupee and throw it into the air, trying to make it fly away,” Trump began. “This one time, they blew their noses into my lunch money. I only had five hundred dollars that day.”
He continued to tell the horrors he endured at the hands of his bullies. Some more of the acts included playing games like keep-away with his gold plated lunch pail and giving him swirlies, which gave birth to the nickname “Toilet Head Trump.”
Before moving on to his proposal to annex Canada, Trump delivered one last message to his childhood bullies.
“And as for Juan and Mohammad, you will remember the day that Toilet Head Trump got his vengeance,” Trump declared.
It’s unknown whether or not Trump has had more bad childhood experiences in relation to his ideals. Only time will tell when he makes his next over the line statement.