MISSY FEOLA
Staff Lampoonist
Many ill-prepared, new-to-the-area Western New Yorkers do not make it out of the winter months alive. That is why this guide to winter survival is probably the most important article that you will read in your entire existence.
How do you think Olaf became the way he is? He used to be a normal, innocent guy named Gerald, no different from you. But then, he made a wrong turn, fell into Lake Erie, and Gerald was never heard of again.
Now, in his new Olaf form, you cannot see the tears he cries because snowmen can’t cry. Do not be foolish. Do not be like Gerald. Here are some tips for surviving the Western New York snow so that you do not, too, suffer the same fate as Gerald:
- Make sure to never, ever wear white. If the snows are to grab you by the ankles and pull you under, how is anyone to find you if you’re wearing the same color as the snows? Now is NOT the time to pretend that you’re a chameleon.
- The snows of Western New York are repelled by a lack of creativity. Green, the least creative color on the visible spectrum, is a wise choice of color to dress in. If you do this, you will notice that snowflakes will literally bounce away from your body. Consider dyeing your hair green and painting your exposed skin green as well.
- The snows HATE humor. Whilst walking to class, do not engage in horseplay, high jinks, clowning around or silly antics. And, under no circumstances, should you exhibit any form of giddiness. The snows will know, and the snows will kill you.
- It is strongly advised that Western New Yorkers take as many shortcuts as possible to get to their destinations quickly. Do not pass go. Do not collect $200. The faster you get to where you need to be, the faster you can run away from the snows that lurk behind you.
- Drive a Prius. It is the best car to withstand winter driving. Just avoid any and all icy roads, since their tires aren’t equipped to handle that.
- If the snows catch you, stop, drop and roll. Snow spreads like wildfire. Just make sure not to stop, drop and roll in more snow. This will defeat the purpose.
- Carry around a bottle of pepper spray. Do not use it, just carry it.
- Wear ice skates wherever you go. This way, when you pass an icy area, you can slide gracefully for everyone to see. This is very important.
- And finally, but most importantly, do not make eye contact with the snow squirrels. No matter how pretty they look. This is basic snow survival 101.
Be safe out there, everyone. It’s a cold, scary place.