MISSY FEOLA
Staff Lampoonist
Aries
You will wake up in the morning feeling like you can take on the world. You will start saying things like, “The world is my oyster!” Well, it’s not. And you can’t take on the world, that’s my job. Go back to bed.
Taurus
Don’t waste your time doing your homework this week. You’re going to do a terrible job, so why bother trying?
Gemini
Congratulations, the stars are in your favor this week! Do the things you’ve always wanted to do. Kiss a stranger, marry your dog, even adopt your favorite professor. Finally tell that girl that sits next to you in your class that she smells like a mixture of your dog’s urine and pickles.
Cancer
The snows are coming for you. Beware.
Leo
Don’t forget about your Sims family. Your Sims are dying and need you to save them. If you don’t, you may notice your very own life mirroring your sims lives.
Virgo
Don’t worry about impressing anyone this week. No one’s going to buy it and, and you will just end up embarrassing yourself.
Libra
Go ahead, buy yourself that extra bottle of cheap liquor. You deserve it. Especially that 10 hours of alcohol poisoning that you’re going to get afterwards.
Scorpio
You will win every single game of Cards Against Humanity this weekend. Your winning card will always be “Michelle Obama’s arms.” Consider adding your success with this game onto your resume.
Sagittarius
Stay away from penguins. They may seem cute at first, but looks can be deceiving. They are evil creatures whose sole purpose this week is to ruin the life of any sagittarius they meet.
Capricorn
Don’t trust the food on your plate. One of the Cranston workers is trying to poison you. Consider this a warning.
Aquarius
Everything that you touch will die this week. Use this to your advantage. Got a bad grade on a test? Shake hands with your professor. Your lover cheated on you? Give him a nice goodbye hug. Happy touching!
Pisces
You will experience very intense writer’s block this week. The best that you’ll be able to come up with for the poetry slam is, “Banana, banana bananas. Banana? Yes, banana.”