MISSY FEOLA
Staff Lampoonist
Fredonia has just announced a new major in millennial studies, for students who were born between the 1980s and the early 2000s. This major offers courses that focus on how Millennials can be the best they can be, based on their strengths and weaknesses.
“The Millennial Generation has had its fair share of struggles. Millennials are noticeably more lazy and narcissistic than members of the generations before and after them,” said Millennial Expert Tonald Drump, “Colleges all around the country could really benefit by adding a millennial studies major. This way, when graduates enter the adult world, they won’t be completely lost.”
Here is a list of some of the courses offered within the major:
MILL 101: Intro. to Millennial Studies
Find out why Millennials are the way they are and how to identify them in your classes. Students will participate in polls and debates about important topics (such as Destiny’s Child vs. Spice Girls, Crocs vs. Jelly Shoes and emo vs. grunge).
MILL 200: How to not, not Pay your Taxes
A class where students will learn how to pay their taxes, and therefore how to become better human beings.
MILL 224: Entitlement Studies
A course where students will develop skills on becoming less self-obsessed and egotistical. Class activities to lower self-esteem include daily self-deprecation, weekly self-hate journals and pointing out the flaws of peers.
MILL 252: Unlearning Everything you were Taught as a Kid
The title of this class speaks for itself.
MILL 360: Barney, Nursery Rhymes and the Millennial
A course about how Barney, the purple dinosaur, made you who you are today. Students will examine the impacts of Barney’s most important lessons, including how to share with others and using the imagination. Students will also sing daily songs with rhymes.
MILL 400: How to NOT be a Millennial
A course identifying the things that make you a Millennial, and how to stop being that way. Students will learn how to stop being so open-minded, liberal and tech-savvy. Free-thinking is not welcomed in this class.
MILL 420: How to get a Job
Students will take a test that will measure their level of millennialism. If there has been a noticeable decrease from the beginning of the major to the end, the student can move on to the job-search phase.
It’s never too late to switch your major. Learn how to conquer the world by becoming a millennial studies major. Life doesn’t have to be this hard; you have the power to make it better. Be the best you that you can be. Don’t dream it, be it. etc, etc.