RILEY STRAW
Lampoon Editor
Aries
You will start to really #feelthebern this week, but it won’t be because of Vermont Sen. Bernie Sanders. You have contracted dysentery. Seek medical treatment.
Taurus
You will realize that astrology is a fabricated system of vague generalizations designed to make you feel as though there’s a purpose for your place in the cosmos. If all goes well, this horoscope will be correct. If not, this horoscope will also be correct.
Gemini
This week, you will stop. Really, stop it. Whatever you’re doing. Just stop.
Cancer
It’s your lucky week, Cancer. Remember that paper you stayed up all night writing? Your professor decided it was so bad that you failed the entire course. That’s one less class on your schedule.
Leo
Don’t be sad, Leo. Things may seem bleak now, but just you wait until you have to start repaying student loans.
Virgo
The stars are hazy for you, Virgo. You will either soon realize that your closest friend looks like a moose/Robert De Niro hybrid, or you will befriend Robert De Niro while you both ride a moose.
Libra
Although you may be struggling financially, don’t fret. The stars say you will rob an ATM this week. Put your hands where I can see them. You’re under arrest.
Scorpio
Take some time to really heal your body this week. Last weekend, you were so drunk that you went into Baby Dolls instead of Sunny’s. At this point, it’s anyone’s guess what’s cooking in your oven.
Sagittarius
It’s time to let go of your anxious habits, like biting your nails and sticking couch cushions in your nose.
Capricorn
Your closest friend may suddenly stop speaking to you. You’ll be confused until you realize that you threw up a little in her Louis Vuittons.
Aquarius
Stop worrying about how your family forgot your birthday last year. A lot has changed since then. I’m your family now.
Pisces
Get back to your roots this week, Pisces. Really. Go into the garden where your mother and father planted you, and dig up your roots. It’s been too long since you’ve seen them.