THE FEVER
Assistant Lampoonist
Just to be clear, this is Deadpool — the witty, chatty and an all around badass — versus … Beyoncé? Please. Deadpool would undoubtedly win. Look at him. LOOK. AT. HIM. He could take Beyoncé to school and teach her a thing or two with his complete and utter badassery.
Okay, so he may not have had a Super Bowl halftime show, but has Beyoncé had a movie made about her? (Documentaries don’t count.) A movie AND multiple comic books?! Deadpool is what Beyoncé’s role in Dreamgirls should have been. Deadpool makes people happy, and yes, he does care. He cares about death, violence and chimichangas.
Beyoncé’s also been suspected as being a member of the Illuminati: a shady, underground organization that may or may not exist, hellbent on the New World Order. Beyoncé keeps her evil-doings under wraps, while Deadpool embraces his inner asshole — figuratively and literally speaking — and doesn’t hide the fact that he may or may not have made shady dealings during his life.
In short, much like Shrek, Deadpool is love; Deadpool is life. Our friend Fredonia Deadpool knows the life and the love that Deadpool can bring to men, women and children everywhere. Embrace him now, or be forever lost.
P.S.: Deadpool is not making me write this about him. I swear. That’d be insane to think he’d be holding me hostage and making me write a positive piece about him, right? He’s just too awesome and sexy to be capable of that. I mean, if that were true, he probably would have smashed my face into the keyboard and kvejbesfgibgrfbjewku send help dclwwfikwfbiriwfi.
MISSY FEOLA
Staff Lampoonist
First and foremost: BEYONCÉ IS QUEEEEEN. You can sense her bootyliciousness from a mile away. Something will change inside of you when she comes near, and the Earth will literally move. When Deadpool arrives, nothing changes. The Earth does not shift beneath your feet. A sudden dramatic gust of wind will not come out of nowhere. It’s like, “Who’s that creepy dude dressed in that costume over there? Oh, that’s just Deadpool.”
And what’s with the name “Deadpool,” anyways? SPOILER ALERT: He dies in a pool of his own tears at the end of the comic book.
I mean, Beyoncé has so much power that she managed to start a political war over her Super Bowl halftime performance. What other human can say that he or she did that? Not to mention the fact that she was able to fiercely dance and sing while simultaneously conveying the message “Black lives matter.” With Beyoncé’s multi-tasking superpower, I wouldn’t be surprised if she had Blue Ivy on her hip during the entire performance.
Furthermore, Beyoncé single-handedly gave new, valuable meaning to the words “Watermelon,” “Surfboard” and “Flawless.” And Beyoncé DID wake up like this; it has been confirmed on multiple occasions and is now a well known fact. Her natural beauty is unfathomable.
And lastly, what Beyoncé says, goes. In 2008, Beyoncé instigated thousands of proposals worldwide. Boyfriends around the world “put a ring on it,” because Beyoncé told them to. Women got to experience their dream weddings and everyone was happy and in love. (Beyoncé held no responsibility for any divorces that occurred afterwards.)
If you still aren’t convinced that Beyoncé is Queen, just know this: Those who speak ill of Beyoncé (including Assistant Lampoonist The Fever), will be hunted down by The Beygency. Deadpool is currently No. 1 on The Beygency’s most wanted list. He will be stopped. That is all.