EMMO
Staff Lampoonist
March 21 – April 19
You will be very strong and confident this week, like Cam Newton. Unfortunately, the world is Von Miller. It will break you physically and emotionally. You will cry.
April 20 – May 20
You will smash your head against your desk many times out of frustration this week, leading you to come up with a sick new beat for your next Soundcloud track — and a concussion.
May 21 – June 20
Don’t worry about that presentation coming up, Gemini; you’re gonna kill it! Unfortunately, nobody will pay attention because everyone finds your voice insufferable.
June 21 – July 22
Quit making angry posts on Tumblr. That squirrel wasn’t oppressing you — you’re just nuts.
July 23 – August 22
You will have delusions of grandeur this week, Leo. You’ll believe that you are Napoleon leading his Russian Campaign. In reality, you will be drunk, walking home with your blacked-out friends. Like Napoleon, you will fail.
August 23 – September 22
Time to get your finances in order, Virgo. It is in your best interest to start a budget — right now it’s $1.07 a month.
September 23 – October 22
You will feel it is your duty to assert your superior taste in all forms of art, music, television and film at every chance you get this week. Do everyone a favor and stay in your natural habitat: in your room, on your laptop, covered in Cheetos.
October 23 – November 21
You will finally come to terms with the fact that you are Berniesexual.
November 22 – December 21
Continue to be generous this week, Sagittarius. Leave the bartender an entire dollar next time.
December 22 – January 19
Practice forgiveness. That poor FSA worker didn’t mean to cut your chicken finger wrap only halfway through. Stop fantasizing about ruining her life.
January 20 – February 18
Your “quirkiness” makes everyone gag. You’re not special. You’re just a carbon-based lifeform like the rest of us.
February 19 – March 20
Quit doing that stupid, unsure half hand-raise during every class. Everyone is losing respect for you, and you’re not getting the physical benefits of a full hand extension. Think about the lost gains.