- RAVIOLI
Special to the Lampoon
Sunny’s has long been the club of choice for students of Fredonia. Since 1994, you could be sure that this hotspot was reeking with the energy of young men and ladies learning how to function without the nuisance of parental supervision.
Between the numerous young adults coming into their own and embracing the drink, dance and romance trends of each passing year, one could only imagine the stories to be told if walls could talk.
A recent development in popular dance news involves a trend known as “The Dab,” where individuals put their heads to the crooks of their elbows in what essentially resembles a proper sneeze cover-up. This trend ended up being a slight business concern for Sunny’s.
At every party in any club, there are bound to be a few wallflowers — those individuals who aren’t entirely sure how or why they got themselves into such a noisy, yet unexciting, setting. While such partygoers are typically known to barely leave a mark at clubs, it was the wallflowers themselves who started the gradual downfall in social attendance.
It was just another Friday night at Sunny’s while the misplaced introverts passed the hours away staring at the dance floor. Out of nowhere, however, they began to notice a strange behavior among the active attendees. All twerking suddenly gave way to uncontrollable sneezing. They were equally stunned at how quickly the issue spread to everyone within close contact of one another.
This scare caused the observing individuals to evacuate and report the health hazard to authorities.
“It happened so quickly, like a bizarre supervirus. I knew it couldn’t be hay fever because mine doesn’t typically flare up in the middle of winter,” freshman Shamy Farrah Cooper said. “One other thing I noticed but didn’t think much of was that whatever this weird illness is, it seemed to hit all of the caucasian students much harder.”
Given Fredonia’s relatively small size, it didn’t take long for the rumors to get out about the sudden spastic sinuses afflicting so many partygoers. As a result, students spent less and less time in local clubs, leading to a moderate downfall in profit. Ultimately, however, the college students weren’t overly affected — the fun continues elsewhere.
The shy guys were equally content and quite pompous knowing that they had just prevented a major outbreak. With life going on smoothly, everybody on campus got hyped and prepared for the upcoming Super Bowl.
Students and community members of all kinds excitedly prepared for the occasion with their queso nearby and Depends secured in place. What followed was just another exciting four hours of good American football with celebratory quarterback, Cam Newton.
One day after marinating in the memories of the 2016 Super Bowl, maintenance workers at Levi’s Stadium received several mail-in requests to invest in hypoallergenic spraypaint.