TRAVIS LEFEVRE
Assistant Lampoon Editor
The candidates for the GOP are far from representing the “Grand Old Party,” as its abbreviation implies. However, love them or hate them, the Republican GOP candidates provide debates that equate to children fighting over the last lollipop from a suspicious white van.
During a recent debate hosted by CBS News, Sen. Marco Rubio called out Sen. Ted Cruz on his lack of ability to speak Spanish.
“Marco, si quiere díselo ahora mismo díselo ahora si quieres. En español, si quieres,” Cruz said with a stutter, falling flat on his attempt to shut down Rubio’s claim.
Within seconds of Cruz’s feeble clapback, frontrunner Donald Trump broke into hives and collapsed on the stage, twitching and pointing to Cruz.
“Mexican! Mexican!” Trump yelled while seizing and foaming from the mouth. “Mexican! Rapist! Deport! Wall!”
Emergency medical technicians arrived on the scene to take Trump to a nearby hospital, and Cruz was placed under arrest by the police, being charged with illegally speaking Mexican.
Immediately after his arrest, the Republican National Committee (RNC) suspended Cruz’s campaign by force. The committee feared that he would continue to spread his Mexican influence, even though Rubio’s Hispanic background has no impact on RNC whatsoever.
“Rubio doesn’t count as a Mexican; he was born in Miami,” a RNC representative said, asking to remain anonymous. “But Cruz is Mexican to the bone, which is unacceptable.”
Trump has since been reported to be in stable condition — so much so, that he made a broadcast from his hospital bed to his devout supporters.
“Everyone, I am alive and well. Of course I am. It’s amazing,” Trump said whilst being fed applesauce from his silver spoon. “What happened the other night was ridiculous. It’s insane. Ted Cruz wants to spread his Mexican culture in America! Unbelievable.
“Look what happens when people speak Mexican on American soil — people get hurt. This is why I am calling for a complete shutdown of Mexican entry into the United States until we can figure out what the hell is going on,” he continued. “As well as Ted Cruz’s immediate deportation.”
With Trump’s announcement came an uproar of support, mostly from rural Mississippi, rallying to deport Cruz along with all other Mexicans.
“Pretty much anybody who isn’t a white American is a threat to this country,” Mississippi local and Trump supporter Billy Hick said, simultaneously polishing his 12 gauge shotgun in his rusted pickup truck. “Cruz was born in Alberta. Sounds Mexican to me. Ain’t that in North Mexico?”
The rallies garnered so much support that even the U.S. Senate and House of Representatives are currently debating Cruz’s potential deportation.
“Most of us don’t really like Ted Cruz anyways,” Speaker of the House Paul Ryan said. “He’s too Mexican to be a legitimate Republican, therefore he’s obviously a left-winged libtard.”
With the ongoing investigation, his campaign has been suspended until a final decision is made on what to do with poor ol’ Cruz.