G. EMMO
Staff Lampoonist
Last week, The Leader reported that Fredonia was to be one of 44 public universities across the country to participate in the Re-Imagining the First Year of College program, brought in part by the Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation.
Some details of that program have just been leaked and found their way into this Lampoon exclusive. Here are some of the plans for reworking the Fredonia freshman experience:
- Freshmen no longer have to be physically present in class to meet attendance policy standards. As long as a student feels as if he or she is present, then that student cannot be marked absent.
- Professors cannot require freshmen to format papers in archaic styles. Comic Sans and Wingdings are now acceptable fonts. Five-inch margins, multicolored fonts, landscape orientation and emojis are also acceptable. It’s the 21st century.
- All freshmen are allowed access to their electronic devices at all times. Fredonia agrees with students in that knowing information offhand is unnecessary — in everyday life we have instant access to a near unlimited body of knowledge, rendering an individual’s knowledge obsolete.
- There is a requirement of a 20-minute nap time during every class. No exceptions — online courses must abide by this rule, as well.
- “I forgot” or “I thought that was due next week” is now an acceptable excuse for not turning in an assignment. Freshmen are unfamiliar with the concept of responsibility and should not be punished for it.
- All exams will be optional. Freshmen with good grades should not be required to take tests that may hurt their grades and cause them stress. However, students have a right to feel like they are getting a real college education by taking tests.
- “I read online that …, ” “I think in the textbook it said … ” and “you said that one class … ” are all accepted as a proper citation in any and all papers. “Google it” is sufficient as a source page.
- Professors will be encouraged to wrap a soft blanket around, coddle and sing lullabies to colicky freshmen — NEVER shake them!
Fredonia believes that these changes will help incoming freshmen grow to become responsible, intelligent and successful adults — so long as they eat their veggies!