PATRICK BENNETT
March 21 – April 19
Sometimes a horoscope is unable to guide you to greener pastures. Looking for a motivational alternative? Try DJ Khaled’s Snapchat.
April 20 – May 20
Avoid karaoke night this week. Just stay home and sing at your cat instead.
May 21 – June 20
You’re soon to have a wonderful and relaxing night with your closest pals. But please, avoid wearing that drab tube top at all costs — we’ve told you a million times.
June 21 – July 22
They say that “Cowgirls don’t cry,” but you certainly will after you drop your slice of Maria’s on the Sunny’s dance floor. Don’t worry though; your coat will be stolen as well.
July 23 – August 22
They say that “Cowgirls don’t cry,” but you certainly will after you drop your slice of Maria’s on the Sunny’s dance floor. Don’t worry though; your coat will be stolen as well.
August 23 – September 22
After 47,000 morning coffees, you’ll finally win Roll Up the Rim! Your prize? Trench foot and a copy of “Willow” on Blu-ray.
September 23 – October 22
For a while you’ll be holding your head up high. No, really, a brace will help stabilize your neck. Perhaps Snapchatting while attempting gnarly ice skating tricks isn’t your strong suit.
October 23 – November 21
You’re a scorpion but considered a water sign? Are we being “Punk’d”? Go back to the desert.
November 22 – December 21
This week you’ll successfully polish off the catalog Netflix has to offer. You might not realize, but while doing so you’ll be literally decomposing. That’s not ground beef — that’s your foot.
December 22 – January 19
This week you’ll successfully polish off the catalog Netflix has to offer. You might not realize, but while doing so you’ll be literally decomposing. That’s not ground beef — that’s your foot.
January 20 – February 18
When the stars align they’ll notice you’re still hungover from your 21st. Be sure to send your grandma a thank-you card for the $5 gift certificate to the Itunes store.
February 19 – March 20
Your marriage to the arts might end in divorce after hearing a couple of lyrics from Kanye’s latest album.