THE FEVER
Assistant Lampoonist
Everyone hopes to reach that day when he or she can finally chill out, relax and drink lemonade on the beach, all while getting paid. In other words, retirement is awesome.
For Vice President of Student Affairs Dr. David Herman, retirement merely means setting up his new office in Washington, D.C.
Following the death of Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia, Republican senators have stalled President Barack Obama’s selection for as long as possible. But he has finally selected Herman as his next Supreme Court justice.
“Let me be clear: Mr. Herman is an admirable man with a long list of achievements,” Obama said in his official announcement. “I particularly admire his devotion to Fredonia, and I do hope he can bring his dedication and decision making power to the Supreme Court.”
News of Herman’s nomination spread like wildfire, leaving Republicans to groan and roll their eyes and Democrats ecstatic and hopeful.
“It’s stupid,” Republican Sen. Danny Oldwhite began, slowly covering his Koch pin. “Everything Obama says is stupid, and this nomination will pass over my dead body.”
In an interview with the Lampoon, Herman was partial about being nominated as the newest member of the Supreme Court.
“I was looking forward to retirement, honestly. So, in a nutshell, this kind of sucks,” Herman said, donning a floral shirt and Bermuda shorts while sucking down a lemonade. “Instead of relaxing on the beach, I’ll be doing this dumb judicial work for the rest of my life.
“Of course, this isn’t set in stone,” he continued. “It’s very possible that the Senate won’t vote me in, which I’m hoping for. This retirement is a long time coming. Can I redirect my nomination to Elizabeth Warren? I’m sure she’d want to do it.”
The process will be certainly a long one, so until then, you can take a breather, Herman. Enjoy your part-time retirement before you get catapulted into politics!