PATRICK BENNETT
Special to the Lampoon
The Beatles were known for their beautiful melodies, dope harmonization and culturally diverse instrumentation. What many people fail to realize is that it was all due to member John Lennon’s luscious locks.
Recently, strands of John Lennon’s real life hair were sold online for a whopping $35,000. According to websites, Yoko Ono’s deceased boy toy’s hair was cut nearly 50 years ago by a German barber. The amount of hair sold was said to be around the length of four inches. Sources speculate Lennon was around six inches “where it counted.”
The buyers happen to hail from England and are a part of the garage rock/psychedelic collective Abysmal Trousers. Before the auction, the band only had released one song titled: “I Kind of Love You but Maybe I Kind of Don’t.”
Lead singer of Abysmal Trousers Thomas Pound-Sterling said, “We all went splits on John’s hair because we truly believed that it possessed some sort of energy, some sort of mystical power, something that would launch us to buzz-band status, and we couldn’t be happier with the results.”
Pound-Sterling and the rest of the band had no idea what powers Lennon’s hair actually had on their musical ability.
“Before, I could only play a D chord and an A chord, but now I can play all of the chords while holding the guitar upside down and having strung it backwards,” guitarist Russell Handler claimed.
The band’s keyboardist, Craig Bollocks, added, “After we put Lennon’s hair in the studio I didn’t have to look at my hands while playing keyboard. I didn’t even have to literally put my fingers on it; it just played itself. Super trippy.”
The band’s recent full length album, titled “Hairy Revelations,” was released only a week after the purchase of the hair. Critics are already doing backflips over the sonic masterpiece.
Popular indie-music website Pitchfork has already named the album “the greatest release from an English rock band since Radiohead’s Kid A, actually, this album is like 500 times better than Kid A.” Other music publications such as Rolling Stone had this to say about the album: “before those punks got their hands on Lennon’s hair they made music that was seriously awful and indicative of an overly excessive use of ayahuasca. Now they make beautiful tunes that even make my deaf grandmother bump in her whip — so gnarly.”
When the band performs live they bring Lennon’s hair in a glass jar on stage to help them achieve “maximum spirituality whilst refraining from any presence of negative energy.” Sometimes, but rarely, the hair joins in on the jamming honing in on its talent on the keys and harmonizing with Sterling. However, tensions on tour have been rising.
According to popular tabloids and Hillary Clinton’s private emails, Lennon’s hair was seen leaving a Jamba Juice with the bass player’s girlfriend.
“My girlfriend and I do not have an open relationship no matter what that drab toupet claims,” said Eddy Williams. “The only reason why I put up with that piece of hair is because of its true talent, and because it knew Sir Paul McCartney.”
The future of Abysmal Trousers’ musical career is unknown, especially with rumors floating around that Lennon’s hair might embark on its first North American tour. If all else fails, Lennon’s hair is interested in being re-sold at auction after its emancipation from the ownership of the band.