G. EMMO
Staff Lampoonist
Donald Trump, in an act of compassion and in the spirit of “making America great again,” has decided to help alleviate Kanye West’s crippling debt — one of the major issues America faces today.
Though Trump is notorious for his selfless charity and goodwill, he has asked Yeezy for favors — a term he prefers over the negatively connotated “ultimatum.”
Kanye has enthusiastically signed a contract with Trump which requires the following in return for erasure of debt:
- Kanye has to create a concept album about Trump’s life, called the “The Life of Donald.”
- Kanye must successfully create a Trump fashion line — ensuring that combovers will become the pinnacle of high fashion.
- When Trump wins the primaries, Kanye will become his running mate. Trump believes that his own insult game, combined with Kanye’s lyrical prowess and production expertise, can lead to some of the most savage diss tracks against either Hilldog or the Bern. Also, when Trump becomes president, Kanye will create diss tracks against Putin, ISIS and all of Mexico.
- Kanye will crash the stage during at least one Republican debate, interrupt Marco Rubio, and say “Trump has the greatest presidential campaign of all time! Of all time!”
“My whole platform is run on the idea of making America great again. An America without Kanye’s latest fashion line, new Yeezy sneakers and new ‘Ye albums is not America at all,” Trump announced last week.
“Frankly, I can’t believe I didn’t think about buying out — I mean cooperating with — Kanye before,” he continued. “We’re practically the same person — we both see ourselves as geniuses and we both have talentless trophy wives filled to the brim with botox injections. It’s genius!”
The Lampoon tried to contact Kanye on the matter, but he did not want to talk about it. He issued this statement: “You ain’t got all the answers!”