MISSY FEOLA
Staff Lampoonist
Attention Fredonians: There may be a few Hitlers that walk amongst you.
Social scientists claim that everyone makes eye contact with at least three Hitlers per year. However, if you go to school at Fredonia, that number may be a little higher.
What causes Hitlers to reside in a town as random as Fredonia? We aren’t entirely sure. It could be the perpetual dog food smell causing changes in the frontal or temporal lobes of the brain. The complete lack of sun could also cause some people to develop Hitler-like traits. If you are worried that you might be Hitler, or are becoming Hitler, here are some signs to look out for:
- You have developed an unexplainable obsession with Henry Ford. Your room is covered in posters of him, and you may perform nightly worship rituals in honor of Him and His greatness.
- You are strongly against animal cruelty and have recently become a vegetarian. However, other forms of cruelty do not faze you whatsoever.
- You make one of your close friends take pictures of you while you’re giving passionate speeches about animal rights.
- You are cursed with chronic flatulence and have taken several drugs to try and stop it, only to discover that the drugs have made you taste colors and hear food.
- You are absolutely terrified of cats. They might as well be demons disguised in fur and whiskers.
- You were almost assassinated 42 times. Why won’t you die already?
- You only have one testicle. Whether you are female or a male, you just have one ball.
- You occasionally inject yourself with bull semen.
- You take an average of 80 different drugs a day, one of which is crystal meth.
- And last but most definitely not least, you have a micropenis. You may attempt to overcompensate for this unfortunate condition by mass murdering millions of innocent people. We strongly advise that you do NOT do this. It is not be the best way to deal with your problems. Instead, we recommend intensive therapy.
If you have three or more of the symptoms listed above, please remove yourself from society and disappear forever.