THE FEVER
Assistant Trumpoonist
When it comes to the presidential candidates, no one can compare to Donald J. Trump. The charismatic, charming and handsome frontrunner for the GOP has been running circles around rivals Ted Cruz and Marco Rubio.
Any naysayers to Trump’s inevitable presidency should know that neither Rubio or Cruz have come relatively close to beating him in the polls — not to mention he’s currently leading in the delegate count — so he’s obviously going to get the nomination.
Nobody wants Cruz for president. He has no friends, and he’s about as much of a loser as Jeb Bush. His ideas make no sense and, if you actually listen to him, he sounds completely insane, unlike our soon-to-be Grand Wizard of the United States.
This self-proclaimed “man” ate a booger on live TV. That in itself should disqualify him, not to mention that he’s not even American, but Canadian. Anyone who knows the first thing about Justin Bieber knows that he is also from Canada. Bieber has made a reputation for being a little jerk of a teenager. Cruz is also from Canada, and since Bieber is a jerk, then all Canadians are jerks.
It only makes sense. Trump is a pure-blooded American, making him the best kind of human being on Earth. Cruz should just quit politics and do music, since all Canadians are also famous musicians. Just look at Bieber and Drake. He may also be the Zodiac Killer. Just sayin’.
As for Rubio, or Marco Roboto, he just needs to stop. He’s won one state in the primaries, yet he gives a victory speech each time. He’s falling behind a Canadian booger-eater and, on top of that, is very repetitive in his comments. He’s a very repetitive guy. He likes to repeat himself. Gets annoying, right? I don’t think anybody wants a president who sounds like he’s trying to reach a word count on a college essay.
All three candidates agree that climate change is, in fact, false. However, Trump is the only one with the right idea. Climate change has, is and always will be, a hoax by the Chinese, and we Americans must never forget it.
Trump is what this country needs — not a snot-muncher or a malfunctioning robot but a leader. We should be grateful for his presence because, like Batman, he’s the hero America deserves, but not the one we need right now. We will need him in November when he wins, of course.
As for John Kasich, he’s losing so badly he’s hardly in the race anymore. Just forget about him.