G. RAVIOLI
Special to the Trumpoon
From nervous anticipation to promising excitement, the Super Tuesday turnout revealed just what we’ve been hoping for — Donald J. Trump is leading the way for the Republican presidential candidacy.
There have been uncertainties as to whether or not Trump’s gripping campaign would be enough to persuade a population of socialist halfwits to embrace him as their beloved new ringleader. Through our persistence, however, we brought him to the forefront and may soon be reaping the rewards.
As the presidential race progresses and Trump continues to annihilate his competitors, it is important that we Americans take note of the massive benefits that we would receive under his rule. The simple, unavoidable truth is that the health and social conditions of Americans drastically improve. Don’t believe it? Here are the facts:
Lower population = More resources
Donald Trump plans to deport anyone in America who cannot prove their citizenship or is not of largely European descent and deny entrance to any and all immigrants. While this plan has been projected as “racist” or “extremist,” it’s actually an ingenious strategy toward battling the issue of overpopulation in the U.S. Non-whites make up almost 30 percent of the American population. Trump recognizes that this statistical fact is a direct cause of insufficient resources, and he knows that sending immigrants away, regardless of generational status, will increase food and shelter available to real Americans.
Drop in Autism Diagnoses
Trump has a clear stance on the subject of vaccines. He knows that few people have time in their schedules to educate themselves on vaccinations, so he’s going the extra mile to summarize the facts and his plans. He even told the public about a two-year-old who was healthy one day, inoculated and autistic the next. And vaccines have mercury in them. What counterargument could anyone possibly make? He himself has proven that there is a direct link between vaccines and autism and is pushing to end vaccines. If hospital bills go up because of this, at least the healthcare industry will start to thrive.
Increased Men’s Health Awareness
Women’s rights activists and the gender equality movement have become a strong force in current American culture. This has, in effect, caused men in the U.S. to feel inferior and struggle to express their perspective on various sociopolitical topics. Trump is well aware of this. During the most recent GOP debate, he fell victim to shaming by Marco Rubio in regards to the status of one of his smaller “businesses.” Trump quickly defended his manhood during the debate by letting American men know that their health and well-being have not been overlooked in the eyes of modern politics. He will make men’s health the leading concern for America if that’s what it takes.
Increased Women’s Health Awareness
Of course, when Trump becomes president, we can rest assured his wife, Melania Trump, will take on the task of managing women’s health in the U.S. Mr. Trump even said himself, “My wife is very much into women’s health. She buys tampons all the time.”
Increased Funding for Disability Services
Everybody remembers Trump’s impersonation of a certain disabled reporter. While some said the mockery was offensive, Trump claimed, “I was just stretching! It was a joke! People need to lighten up.” Whatever the interpretation, it is clear that Trump is dedicated to increasing the American people’s’ awareness of the woes of the disabled. Trump’s conviction that disabled workers of America should be a primary focus of the public will lead to a drastic increase in accommodations, living space and healthcare available to disabled individuals — “as long as we get them out of the workforce,” he laughed.
Tags: trump, donald trump, make america great again, health, satire, election